spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
You Might Also Like
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.