Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
This is my favorite one of these!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer