Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.