Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
They grow up so quick
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.