Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
😂😂😂
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.