I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Saturday
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be