I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
nyc:
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”