Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
April 1st is the class clown of days.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!