[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!