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“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.