I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy