Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Personal question. #JustSaying
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.