I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
RT if you could go either way.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.