Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
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[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Birds & Planes.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”