I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Left at a local drug store…
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.