Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa