i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*