[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?