horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Ovenable?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.