everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
You Might Also Like
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
August 8
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick