Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?