[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”