wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Blew out my flip flop…
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47