A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
You Might Also Like
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.