this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler