Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Hamburger Hinderer.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.