My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Breaking news:
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Bond. Trauma bond.