Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”