“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy