My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*