A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
You Might Also Like
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer