Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
You Might Also Like
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”