Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
You Might Also Like
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
i choose….tongue
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.