*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…