My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
No way!
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My favorite sport ? Lasagna