I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.