sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Come back with a warrant
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
*puts my mental health in rice
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
✌🏽
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”