PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
listen closely
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.