You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
never deleting this app.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back