#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You Might Also Like
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
fourth time’s the charm
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.