Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I have never related to anyone more.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.