Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*puts words between two asterisks*
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.