A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
In Canada they just call them geese
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’