British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.