If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
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They’re on their honeymoon
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
#Caturday
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…