Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
You Might Also Like
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂