Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
This is true.