If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Barbie gone wild
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.