It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
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Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Penguins walking in 5x speed
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.