The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Omg 🤣
The three genders.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.